Who Dreams...

I had the most fabulous dream last night. And let me tell you, I have crazy, fantastic dreams all the time. It's nothing unusual. And out of all of the dreams I've had, this one was by far the best.

You know the feeling you get when you wake up after a good dream? I've had that on many occasions, but never as strong as I had this morning when I had to make up from the most amazing dream a girl can have.

By now I'm sure you're just dying to hear about it right? Probably not, because you, my dear reader, do not exist, but I will humor myself and tell you anyways.

The bell just rang and I got out of class. I was walking out of the room when this guy stopped me. I'd had a serious crush on him for about a year but he had never really talked to me before.

"Hey Ano, walk with me to the office. I need to drop something off."

"Okay... sure." At first I think nothing of it. I just go to walk with him, perfectly calm and expecting nothing to happen.

We walk down the hallway with a group of his friends to the office. Everyone is laughing and talking and no one notices me or talks to me in particular.

We reach the main office and right before the group of us enter, he grabs my arm and pulls me to the corner in the main hallway right in front of the cafeteria doors. Inside the cafeteria are two secretaries watching us, selling tickets to some event.

He looks down at me and me up at him.

"There's something I want to say, but you'll think I'm just crazy for thinking it."

"Try me" I answer. Again, I'm still pretty calm at the moment.

And then he starts to sing. Very quietly, right into my ear, just for me.

I'd stop the world and melt with you...

And for a minute I wasn't quite hearing. I just stood there wondering what was going on. And then I realized. And my knees went limp and my heart fluttered like a butterfly and my vision blurred.

It wasn't just happiness I was feeling. This was much too strong for just happiness. It was pure bliss, complete freedom, love. And I had never felt anything like it. It consumed my whole body and nothing else mattered. You may have think you've felt love before, and you may have heard my corny description of it before, but really all I can say is it is the greatest feeling in the world.

I stood up, in his arms, and all I could do was smile. Smile right into those beautiful eyes that were smiling right back down on me. He turned to the secretaries and bought two tickets, no doubt for us to go together, and he held my hand and asked me where I wanted to eat lunch.

Just like nothing had happened. Just like, bam, we found each other, here we were, and we were going to be together. We proceeded to walk down the hallway talking and laughing and having a great time. And I have never felt so happy in my entire life.

And now the bit of wisdom I pass on to you: dream. In your dreams you can feel the greatest and most terrible emotions that we never get to feel in real life. No matter how much I wish for some great romantic spontaneous thing to happen to me, it probably won't happen in real life. But in a dream, anything can happen. And that's the beauty of it. You can do anything, be anyone who you can't be in real life, no matter how much you want to. The most beautiful place to be is indeed in a dream.

And this morning, all I can say is I never wanted to stay asleep more in my entire life. But eventually, you have to wake up.

Who Is Never Left Out or Used...

Everyone's been there. Waiting in hopes of being chosen to be on the GOOD kick ball team when you were 6. Bouncing up and down, the team captains fingers constantly passing right by you. But no need to worry you'll get picked next.... OK maybe next..... how about now? Until it comes down to you and the nerd with asthma and they chose him. Yup, you are stuck last on the loser team because no one wants you.

We've all been, there, some more than others. And being the youngest in a big family I can assure you I have been there a lot. My big siblings never want to include me because being with your little sister is so lame. Well not if your the little sister. For me, honestly, it stinks, being left out. And for me it not only happens at home but also with my friends. And. It. Stinks, being left out. It never EVER feels good and you can't do anything about it but sit there are feel totally, honestly, and completely rejected thinking "maybe next time" or "I guess no one really does care."

And what's even worse. The one situation I am never left out makes me feel even worse than when I do get left out. I'm smart. And people in my classes love to fight over being my partner for a lab or essay or project. First of all, I don't even get a say in it. That bothers me. And what's worse is the only reason I am not being left out this time is because I'm smart. People want the A that they know they can't get by themselves. And that makes me feel even worse. Being left out of kick ball because, honestly, I stink at kick ball does not compare to being used for your knowledge.

And that's all it is. I'm being used. For 90% of the time in life I'm left out of everything but when people can use me for a good grade, all of the sudden they start to fight. And you might think "Hey, Anomii, people are fighting over you, isn't that awesome?"

And I can answer you. No. No it is not.

I'm left out and then I'm used. The sad sad life of a nerd who never wanted to be.

My hopes for you, my dear, nonexistent friend. Be included. It stinks being left out, and it stinks being used. So don't let it happen to you.

People fighting over you is never a good thing when in the end they don't care about you. They don't care that you want to be their friend or you are a nice person inside. You're either included into the group, or used to help the group.

It's your choice.

Actually, it's not your choice. I don't think there is anything really that you can do to avoid ending up like me; left out and used.

And all I hope is that you don't end up being left out, or used.

Because having asthma-nerd-boy picked over you never feels good, whether your 6 or 60.

Who Exists...

You don't, imaginary reader. You don't exist. I wish you did. I really wish you existed. Do I even?

We spend our whole lives on the assumption that we are something. We assume, hey I'm here, I'm me, I'm alive, and I'll make something of myself. That's why we go on with our lives and work and learn and everything. But what if we thought we were nothing. What if we just realized, you know, I don't matter. Why bother? I probably don't even exist. Sounds depressing huh? But I assure you I'm not depressed, I'm a thinker.

I spend my life waiting for someone to show up that deep down I know doesn't exist. I mean, this blog has no readers. I wish deeply that I had one person to comment and say "Hey Anomii, I know you're here. You do exist. And that person will come. He does exist." Thing is, imaginary reader, you don't exist. You are one of the people I wait and hope for. But you will never come.

Another person I wait for is my dream guy. In a way he does exist. He is based off of a person who is real. In fact he is very real: I know him personally. But I have taken the idea of him and blown it up in my mind. I, in reality, know nothing about him. I know what he looks like, and I know his age and the town he lives in and his parents and thats it. Though I have turned this very real person into a man who will never come. I make him out to be this perfect guy; my best friend, and yet, romantic. And I wait for the day this real guy I know will come and turn into my nonexistent guy. But he never will come. And neither will you.

I wish you existed. I wish he existed. I wish I had proof that I existed. I wish for a lot of things, but none will come. And yet I still hope for them to come because if I don't I have nothing to work toward. And so I wait and hope for nonexistent people to exist.

Life is not a waste, like sometimes it might seem. Life is magical and special and important. Make the best of it. Enjoy the people in your life who do exist, and do not dwell on those who don't. To be cliche, live life to the fullest.

But how should I know? I don't exist.

Who Doesn't Complain...

I can't even tell you, nonexistent reader, how much I hate people who complain. And it's not the complaining that gets me. As I have said, I am a great actress and I can pretend to care every single time with ease. What bothers me is what they complain about. Like their lives are so horrible. Oh yeah, well, I don't want to hear it. There are so so so so so many more people out there in the world with actually issues to complain about. And things to be sad and distressed about. The things you complain about are nothing in comparison to this. And I'll give you a nice example to explain better:

My friend will always email me about her boyfriend and how things are at a "low point" in their relationship right now. She will always complain about this girl who talk to him, and that he talks back. Gasp, how dare a boy with a girlfriend talk to other girls. No offense, but I don't want to hear it. Actually, take offense. You have absolutely no right to be complaining about this to me. You have a boyfriend you are madly in love with, a family who spoils you, you are young and beautiful, and you have a perfect life. How dare you think that you have such a hard time because your boyfriend talks to another girl. Really?! There is so much more to worry about in the world and you chose THAT?

And I urge her all the time to break up with him in efforts to stop this complaining, but she never will. Of course not. She has a perfect life. Why break up with your perfect boyfriend? No need.

So I urge all of you nonexistent readers to consider this: you have a computer and internet access to get to this blog and you are complaining about your life?

You don't deserve to complain. Instead of complaining, help. Help those who have a right to complain because they need support much more than you do. Trust me.

Who Can Act...

No one knows me. But everyone is my friend. No one understands me, but everyone says they do. Why is this? Because I am an actress. I have been acting in a theatre setting for years but I have been acting like a person I am not for my whole life. If i were to really truly honestly be myself (which I am not even around my best friends) no one would get me, like me, or want to be my friend. So here is where the acting skills come in handy. Whenever I have to pretend to like someone or pretend to be happy or have a good time, I tell myself that it is just an acting exercise. And it does the trick every time. I always get through it. I can put up with people I hate so easily and I can pretend to have any emotion when the time calls for it. This talent I suggest everyone develops. It makes me..... me.

I'm always on the look out for someone like me out there to share my deep thoughts with honestly... another actor. But I have come across many actors in my time none of which are anything like me. This is the problem of being unique.

Recently my school just received 3 new students, and I love new students! And I never really knew why. I mean, they are strangers coming into and possibly altering my life that I have built up for years. Why would I, or anyone, welcome this? I'll tell you why. I have hopes that one of these new kids will be like me. I know everyone in my grade, and I know they are not like me, so I always have the hope to find the friend I have been looking for. But alas they never come. And it kills me every time.

Being unique is the loneliest job in the world. But acting like it's not helps you get through it miraculously.